Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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