I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
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There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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