Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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