Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
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When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
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You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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