it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
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i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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