Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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