I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
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i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
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Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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