the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
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I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
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He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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