I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
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I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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