I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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