Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
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