maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
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Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
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HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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