mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
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i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
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I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize