nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
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Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
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Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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