I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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