I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
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You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
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We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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