Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
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