I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
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Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
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I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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