Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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