Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
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"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
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You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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