For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
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you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
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Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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