the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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