I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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