Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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