I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
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I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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