If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
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I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
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I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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