eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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