I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
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buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
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Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
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