Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
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she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
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That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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