i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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