YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
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she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
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I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
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