I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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