She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
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Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
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Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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