Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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