Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
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We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
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Couch. On fire.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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