Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
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Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
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I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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