I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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