No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
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i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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