Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
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I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
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I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
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