I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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