Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize