last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
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I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
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This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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