guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
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Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
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I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
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