just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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