every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
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Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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