Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
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I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
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I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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