That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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