Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
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