I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
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Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
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Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
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