You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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